Saturday, December 17, 2005

FBPNN: Toward free and fair selections

Miracles do happen. The entire Indian Parliament has come to a unanimous agreement about an issue - the dropping of former India captain Sourav Ganguly from the third test against Sri Lanka to be played at Ahmedabad starting Sunday. It is reported that the Prime Minister nearly had a heart attack on hearing that the Left Front had actually supported his call to table the issue in the Lazy Old Keepers of Solid Anarchy on Benches of Hysterical Antics (LOK SABHA).

It was decided that the Parliament shall devote every possible resource to ensure that the Board of Cricketing Chaos in India (BCCI) doesn't stoop to dirty politics and ignore its real job. To this end, the Election Commission of India shall now be reinstated as the Selection Commission of India.

Representatives of this body will now control both the voting and decision making procedures at the BCCI using new innovative methods. One recent breakthrough is a pill developed by Ranbaxy Industries which genetically modifies neurons in the brain to induce selective amnesia in the recipient. Such a pill shall be given to the top selectors and will, theoretically, ensure that they forget which state in India they come from. An anonymous source at Ranbaxy, however, was not very optimistic. "What we've proven is that this medication is extremely effective in altering the genetic structure of neuron cells in the brain." But for it to work well, he said, "it is necessary for the host organism to possess neurons in a certain minimum quantity."

The opposition leader demanded in Parliament today that the matter be raised in the UN security council and a team be sent to monitor this process to ensure free and fair selections. "The human rights of a billion people are at stake", he said. "How can we live in a world where sports teams are selected with such injustice."

Speaking at a joint press conference, Somnath Chatterjee, Pranab Mukherjee, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya (the leaders who pushed the issue through) said that they were proud that to have taken this step to ensure the safety, security and well-being of every Indian. When asked how democratic elections in India would be held now, they replied, "Lets deal with one problem at a time. Lets talk about future elections, the cold wave in North India, violence in Kashmir, defense acquisitions, rural healthcare and all those other issues later. We will never get anywhere as a nation if we don't get our priorities right."

FBPNN is the Fake But Possible News Network 2005. While we make every effort to ensure that nothing in our reports is true, the ridiculousness of human behavior remains a step ahead; and therefore the complete lack of truth in this article cannot be guaranteed.